To cougar or not to cougar

Ok so someone requested that I post something on my dating life and to give advice! I wouldn’t take advice from me on dating as I have never been successful. However I am honest and did start this page to tell my stories so here it goes;

The first year after separating it took a while before I was ready to open myself up again. My first endeavor was with this guy I met on a night out and not online. It was towards the end of the night and he was persistent with wanting to dance and talk to me so I gave in. He was cute and I liked how he wasn’t taking no for an answer. We exchanged numbers and I gave in to a kiss with him in the end. Well, I have never had this before or since, there was a feeling of fireworks that when we separated we both asked if the other felt it. Obviously we had to test it out again and it turns out we had really good chemistry. I was 32 at the time and thought he was about the same, however it turned out he was younger…a good bit younger. Again though, his persistence and eagerness became infectious and I over looked the difference because it was nice to be around someone like that and it was good for the ego. It quickly ran its course though.

After that I opened up my dating profile a bit to younger men. I dated a couple and on nights out kissed a few so my friends affectionately called me a cougar. In fairness my husband was two years younger and I’ve always gravitated in life towards being friends with people younger than me. I’ve never really felt my age and as a pre-teen when everyone was trying to be more grown up I was resistant.

However when I came across men around my age that I matched with online I got very excited. Obviously men my age you would assume to be more mature, want more than just random one nighters, they could be independent etc., but I was wrong. Though I have had a small period of kissing younger men, (when I say younger I mean more than a four year age gap. Four years either side of my current age to me equals men of my age!) I actually have dated more men in their thirties.

One guy I messaged for months before meeting as we could never seem to get a suitable date. I honestly didn’t think there would be any chemistry by that point as I saw him more as someone to chat to. However we hit it off. Our first date was with his friends which was scarey but we all got on so well. This lead to a couple more but he felt he was too busy with work and college to fit me in.

It went a few months before I dated again and the next man I only had one date with however this one still has an effect over me. We messaged constantly for a number of days and arranged our date for the night before I left for Peru. We both wanted to see if how we felt by text was worth the two week wait whilst I was away. I had never been nervous before a date before, well not in this way. Butterflies but also nervous energy as we got on so well and I really wanted the physical attraction to be there. I needn’t have worried as we hit it off straight away and he kissed me after 20 minutes. The night flew in and I had an amazing time. There was one issue which funnily enough should have been an issue I had with him but he managed to switch it around. I don’t do, nor do my friends, recreational drugs. He however did and believed that it wouldn’t work for us because I didn’t. My mind ran through everything and because I know how rare it is to connect with someone on so many levels I was willing to overlook it. I thought he was too. He text constantly throughout my trip, cheering me up when I was really sick in the hostel. He actually helped get me through it. We had a date planned for when I got home but as the time neared he got distant. Texted less. He eventually broke our date stating that it would never work with us, used various excuses but in reality he over thought the whole thing and convinced himself that was how it would be. This completely knocked my confidence. Like I said it’s so rare to find someone you connect with, that the thought that someone can throw that away without trying just effected me worse than I would have thought.

I have since dated a guy who for four weeks consistently saw me at least four times a week, sent flowers to my job, brought me for dinner, took me to a park I’d never been to & seemed so considerate. He was four years older and whilst I was a bit unsure about if he was too quiet for me, I thought it could lead somewhere if I wanted it too. I would get texts everyday until after four weeks he started ghosting me. I wasn’t even aware of the term until then. Texts became less and barely a response, my texts would be read and ignored. He made an excuse saying he was sick so I decided to give him space, after a couple of days I text to see how he was and he put the blame back on me and ended it. Total head fuck.

Two guys I have also dated this year, both seemed really into me but basically they don’t want a relationship. These are men older than me but obviously have too much choice that they don’t want to settle for just one person. I still talk to one actually as he was the most upfront about it and I value honest and knowing where I stand.

Even writing this all I am picking out from those paragraphs is that I am the common denominator in those scenarios. Maybe it’s not them it’s me? This is why dating has totally messed with my head and brought my self confidence down. Also why I don’t write about it, much easier to write about trips away!

To get back to younger men versus older men I have had more bad experiences with the older age. I have found that younger men can be more mature. It may be the fact that they have grown up with online dating and the abundance of women isn’t as exciting as it is to men my age. Possibly it could be that they haven’t had serious relationships to come out of and want time to themselves. Maybe I make more allowances for their age than I do older men. My main point is that age is nothing but a number. There are plenty of mature twenty odd year olds and plenty of immature thirty odd year olds! Follow your gut and do what is comfortable for you.

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