The early hours of this morning marked the three year anniversary of when my life changed dramatically without my foresight into any of it. My dreams of houses and babies were crushed as I realised that I needed to put myself first for once. This meant separating myself from the marriage that was constantly messing with my head, hurting my heart and suffocating every other bit of me that was left.
It wasn’t an easy decision. I struggled for months to make it a final one in fairness. Looking back I feel sorry for myself if I’m honest. I was battling with everyone who loved me and wanted the best for me, telling me to walk away from him versus my own confusion of loving him and thinking he loved me back, wanting my marriage to work and the frightening thought of being alone.
Without going into the events of what happened fully,as I am not sure whether that is fair, I will say that a bad decision on his part affected both our lives more than he could have imagined. I will also say for a while I was unable to contact him which had me out of my mind. The past few months had our relationship falling apart. The trust was gone and he kept making things harder instead of easier. I found that I couldn’t bring myself to say I love you in response to his. I knew I loved him but I struggled at times as it was so hard. In the few hours when I did not know where he was it was something I regretted in case I never saw him again. The next time I got to see him, even knowing in my heart that we would probably separate, I made sure to tell him because I meant it. I really did.
In the proceeding months I continued to prove my love with supporting him and talking to him when I really should have told him to go fuck himself a lot of the time! Sorry if that offended anyone but dealing with an addict can be very challenging at times. Especially when they don’t want to work on their issues yet they use part of it ” GA tells me to get better I have to be selfish “. This has to be the most infuriating part of GA as the addict has always been selfish anyway and you have always put them first. Is there ever a time when you get put first? Or your marriage that you both entered in to willingly??
Basically the three years since separating have been a rollercoaster. People told me at the time that it’s like a death and they are right. You go through all the grieving stages over and over again. In Ireland you have to be separated four years before applying for divorce. It has been mentioned to me about lying to get divorced quicker however I declined as that’s not me. I am honest even in hard times and I am also learning to put myself first. I will not be forced into something that doesn’t feel right. Don’t get me wrong, I am not dragging this out. I am ready to end this chapter of my life, I may even celebrate it with friends. I just am not willing to change who I am as a person to do so.
So the countdown is on. Twelve more months and a new life awaits. I am under no illusion that this will be easy for me. I honestly believed when I married it was for life. I thought I would have two kids and a house by now. However I have a fabulous dog and so many travel plans that I can’t even keep up with myself! I have dealt with what life has given me and adjusted my priorities.