A look into my past..

Ok so I haven’t posted in a while so I decided I better write something. A couple of weeks ago I drafted a piece about this fab evening I had and how content I felt. But when it came to completing it, I couldn’t. I felt it was too deep and people may not want to read it, so it has remained in my draft section and I’ve been unable to write anything since. 

Yesterday I had the complete opposite type of day. I felt extremely unhappy and sad, not being able to understand where it all came from. It was possibly the after effects of the cider the night before but in my opinion that only enhances feelings that were already there in the first place. 

So after a long walk by the beach I thought about my blog and why I started it in the first place. I came to the conclusion that I chose for this to be a lifestyle blog, one where I would love for people to read it and feel like I helped in some way. When I read blogs about solo travel it helps me believe that I can do it also. When I read people’s stories about addiction I don’t feel alone. If I could do that for anybody then being completely honest would be worth it. 

So here it goes…

Ending my marriage was the hardest thing I had to do. But I’ve never regretted it. At times (like yesterday) when I feel lonely, surrounded by couples and families, I remind myself of the loneliness I felt in my relationship. It’s the worst version of it that there is. When you have someone who is meant to love you and support you but they are never around even when you beg them to be, you can’t help but feel alone. 

After I found out about the debt, well some of it as more seems to come out, I told my ex that I wanted every Sunday to be a family day. A day for us once a week to try get our relationship back on track. Sounds simple right? It lasted about two weeks. After that my husband forgot about the agreement and what he had put me through and went back to doing whatever he liked. He would use the fact that he owed so much money as a manipulation to not have to spend time with me. The evenings he had free he would do nixers and tell me it was for our benefit. He also agreed to fight in a charity boxing match without consulting me. It meant more time away from home than he was already spending. This lasted a few weeks before he got hurt in the ribs. My dear husband couldn’t attend a public hospital, God forbid. No he went private which meant further debt. He also chose to go back to his therapist instead of the free GA meetings which added more pressure onto us. I know this may seem heartless but in retrospect I’m not sure if he even attended a therapist. Everything in our life seemed to be lies. 

After a few months he started heading out after work without telling me. I would expect him home and he would come in drunk hours later after drink driving. He lead people to believe that he deserved it, that I was being too hard on him. I was the one person who was there everyday for him and I was being made out to be the bad person. All because I wanted my partner to spend time with me. It was like a kick to the stomach. It got to the point of where when I did get to spend time with him, I hated being around him. This person has taken everything from me and taken my dreams away from me. All I wanted was a husband, two kids and a nice house somewhere. I’m not ambitious at all but I thought that wasn’t much to ask for. 

When everything came out one of the hardest things I had to deal with was putting my dreams of children on hold. I really struggled with that even though I knew it wasn’t the right time to have kids. When I would hear of friends becoming pregnant it would hurt so bad and I would be filled with jealousy and resentment. Jealousy towards them and resentment towards Him. I hated myself for it but couldn’t stop how I felt. Then I ended the marriage and I discovered that it never happened for a reason. My husband was so unreliable, never keeping his word, letting me down. I ended up being glad that we didn’t have children as I don’t think I could have put up with him letting them down. 

I eventually have got used to the fact that kids may not be part of my future. I’m trying to look on the brightside by focusing on the positives, not having to get up early on weekends, pitying myself when I’m sick, planning trips to places I’ve never been. It might come across as selfish but it’s survival mode. I can’t be focusing on self pity, it will make me a person I’m trying hard not to become. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still hurt, it just means I’m good at hiding it. 

So that’s part of my past, hope I haven’t bored you too much. Maybe now I’ve been honest I’ll have a more uplifting post soon for you to read xxx 


First step towards solo travel

Solo travel is something I never considered until the start of this year. I’m pretty independant but to travel on your own is quite scarey. However as my priorities have changed over the years in comparison to my friends, it has become my only option. I came to realise I needed to accept my hand I had been dealt and try not let the things I can control in my life be pushed aside by my fears or others opinions. Travelling was always something I was interested in, I even studied travel and tourism for a while after school. I happily went to Spain, Portugal etc for many holidays, but after a while I wanted to go further. 

I would have loved to travel Australia but none of my friends wanted to so I saved for my apartment instead. Going alone never occurred to me as it was too far, I would be afraid to set up base alone and my parents would be in a constant nauseous state until I came home. 

What is actually funny about this was that at 22 I actually travelled to New York alone. My friend was living there and as I felt it would be a once in a lifetime trip, I booked my flight. It never felt solo as I was meeting someone over there. However she was working so I toured the city for a couple of days on my own. I LOVED IT!!  I wasn’t sure what eating alone would be like but it was grand, I took a book with me as this was before iPhone days! It was extremely freeing being able to go and do whatever I wanted without compromising with anyone. I took selfies before they got a name, laughing at my gigantor head as opposed to the Statue of Liberty. I also tried taking them whilst nobody was watching as I was embarrassed! Now that I am writing this, I never gave myself credit for that trip. I think I just didn’t feel I was alone as I had my friend there in the evenings and at the weekend. However I did wander around one of the most famous cities in the world on my own and encountered no issues. 

This year I decided I was writing a bucket list of places I wanted to see. I want to have no regrets in my life and by that I mean regrets that I have full control over. Certain things happen against your control so you can’t change them. Travel was something I could change. I put on it places I had never been before and when I book trips there I can cross them off. I have a fabulous godmother who also loves to travel so I have two city breaks booked for August and December. 

My main trip took me four months to get the courage to book. I had priced everything and came up with an itinerary that suited me, I got so excited. Then when I went to book the flights I froze. My heart raced and I let my fear win. So I didn’t book. I swore I would book it in a few weeks but prices went up so that gave me an excuse. I looked at going to another place where a friend of mine was interested too. I researched it for weeks but it just never had the same pull for me.  I think the thought of doing this on my own was something I actually wanted to prove to myself. If I can do it then the world is my oyster. I will no longer have any excuses to not see other cultures, apart from money of course!

A couple of weeks ago I finally pressed the book button for my ticket to Peru. My palms sweated and as the button was going around to confirm the booking part of me wanted it to not go through. I felt sick for an hour afterwards. Then I started to feel proud of myself and got butterflies of excitement. I can do this. Sure I am going to shit myself when it gets near but I think it will be the making of me. I head off in October and it’s only for two weeks so if I hate it I won’t be there long. I am booking onto a bus where I can meet bag packers and see different parts of Peru before going to Cusco. From there I hope to do a jungle trek instead of the inca trail. I left it too late to get the permit plus it was more expensive. The trek I want to do has biking, hiking, rafting and ziplining. Not to mention proper beds so no camping!! It has so much adventure and life experiences even if it’s only for a fortnight. 

To prepare for my trip I am reading so many blogs about solo travel. My favourite is Notwedordead as she overcame a hard time in her life and turned it into something amazing. I am also welcoming any advice people want to give me so feel free to leave comments here or on my Twitter @dgayson πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ˜Š

If Nancy from 50 Ways To Kill Your Mammy can do everything in her 70’s then I can grow some balls and do this in my 30’s!!!